`Miyu Asukura
I had a best friend who grew up with me. His name was Rei. I always thought of him as a friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club, I found out that I had fallen in love with him. Before the trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love to him.
And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved each other from different ways. I always concentrated on him alone, but by his side, there were so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl
Me: "Rei, do you want to watch a movie?"
Rei: "I can’t!"
Me: "Why? You needed to study at home?"
I felt disappointment grabbing me. "No, I am going to meet a friend" was all Rei said… He was always like that. He met girls in front of me, like I was nothing.
To him, I was simply just his girl ‘friend’…and the word ‘love’ only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say "I love you" before. To us, there weren’t any anniversaries at all. He didn’tsay anything from the first day and it continued ‘til 100 days…200 days… Everyday, before we said goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I didn’t know why… Then one day…
Me: "Um… Rei… I…"
Rei: "What…?" Don’t drag! Just say…
Me: "Ashiteru"
Rei: "You… um,… just take this doll and go home." That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he was running
away. The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my room, one by one. There were many… Then one day came, my 15th birthday. When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him and stranded myself in my room waiting for his call. But… lunch passed…, dinner passed…, and soon the sky was dark… he still didn’t call. It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore. Then around 2 AM, he suddenly called me and woke me up from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.
Me: "Rei!"
Rei: "Here…take this."
Me: "Wait…wait…! Do you know what today is?"
Rei: "Today…huh?"
I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had happened. Then I shouted… "Wait!!!"
Rei: "You have something to say?"
Me: "Tell me…! Tell me you love me Rei!"
Rei: "What?"
Me: "Tell me I put my pathetic self
behind and clung on to you!" But he just said simple cold words and left.
Rei: "I don’t want to say I love you to someone so easily, and if you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else!"
That is what he said to me before he left. Then he…just ran off.
My legs numbed and I collapsed to the ground. He couldn’t say it so easily…how could he… I felt that…maybe he is not the right guy for me. After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying. He didn’t call me although I was waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house. That’s how those dolls piled up in my room…everyday. After a month, I saw him on the street with another girl…he had a smile on his face…the smile that he never showed me…as he touched the doll… I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room and tears fell… "Why did he give these to me? Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls…" In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly the phone rang. It was him. He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stoop. I kept reminding myself that I am to forget him, that…it’s going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll…
Rei: "Miyu, I thought you were pissed but you really came?"
I couldn’t help hating him, acting like nothing had happened joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usual…
Me: "I DON’T NEED IT!"
Rei: "What…? Why…?"
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: "I don’t need this doll! I don’t need it anymore!! I don’t want to see a person like you again!!!"
I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike any other guys, his eyes were very shaky. "I’m sorry" Rei apologized in a tiny voice. He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll…my doll… "You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! I just threw it away!", I cried. But he just ignored me and went to pick up the doll.
And everything happened so fast… BONK! BONK! Then another loud BONK! The big truck was running…heading towards him. I cried, telling him to move…to move…but he didn’t hear me…wouldn’t seem to listen to me…and just squatted down and picked up the doll. I cried even louder… until I just hear the terrible sound of the truck’s horn and…BOOM…! …That was how he went away from me. That was how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me. After that day I had to go through everyday with guilt, and the sadness losing him… And after spending two months like a crazy person…I took the dolls. Those were the only gifts he left me since we started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and counted the days …when we were in love…
"One…two…three…"
That was how I started counting the dolls…
"Four hundred and eighty-four…four hundred and eighty-five…"
It all ended with 485 dolls. Then, I started to cry again with the doll in my arms… I hugged it tightly then suddenly…
"Ashiteru"
I dropped the doll, shocked.
"Ashiteru!!!"
I picked it up and pressed its stomach.
"Ashiteru!!Ashiteru!"
Those words came up non-stop.
"Ashiteru!!!"
Why didn’t I realize that…? That his heart was by my side, protecting me. Why didn’t I realize that he loved me so much…
I took out the doll under my bed and pressed its stomach. That was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had blood stained on it. The voice came out, the one that I was missing so much…
"Miyu… do you know what today is? We’ve loved each other
for 485 days. Do you know what 485 days is? Miyu… I couldn’t say I love you…um…since I was too shy…if you’d forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love you… everyday till I die… I love you, Miyu…"
And the tears came flowing out of me.
"Why…? Oh why…?"
I asked God, why I only know about all this now. He can’t be by my side anymore. But he loved me…until his very last minute…
And for that… and for that reason… to me… it became courage… to live a beautiful life…
*Ashiteru* in English means I love you
It’s better to lose your pride with someone you love
than to lose someone you love with your useless pride…
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